February 12, 2007

That is a day I will never forget. It was the day we found out our baby had many medical problems. I was 21 weeks along in the pregnancy and so excited to get our ultrasound. I didn't have any fear, just pure joy. Joy, because that was the day we were going to see our little angel for the second time and hopefully find out if we were expecting a little boy or a little girl. Carless and I had plans to go shopping for our baby's crib, clothes, and anything else that struck our fancy. Just typing the words makes me remember how excited I felt and how happy we were. My doctor sent me to a specialist for a blood disorder I have. I was not the least bit worried about the blood disorder, I just knew Carless didn't have it. I mean really, "What are the odds? Right?". But we went along with doctor's orders and did the whole genetic counseling and let Dr. Fraser look at our baby.

The nurse doing the scan that day was very quiet. It made me so uncomfortable. I remember Caelyn wasn't moving, but her heart was beating. This was my first pregnancy, so I didn't realize how unusual this was. That's why I hadn't been able to feel the much anticipated movement most mom's enjoy. I nervously asked the nurse if it was common for babies to not move, she dryly answered "no". I also remember her muttering something about how small she was. My mom and Carless were both with me in the room and we all came to our baby's defense, "well, we were small babies" and "I've been really sick" and "my dad only weighed like 4lbs at full term". She didn't seem to care, she said those things don't matter and she quickly left the room to get the doctor. My mom encouraged me that everything was going to be alright and nothing was wrong with our baby.


When Dr. Fraser finally came in, the genetic counselor, Robin, followed with a pin and pad of paper in hand. I knew immediately that something was wrong, because Robin had already seen us and we were supposed the be "done" with that part of the visit. Dr. Fraser scanned my belly and said some things to Robin. He asked two things, if I had had a hard pregnancy and if I can remember any liquid discharge. I did have a hard pregnany, but no fluid that I could remember leaking out. Then he said the words I didn't want to believe, but will remember forever, "There are a couple things. Your baby is about 2 weeks too small, you have very low fluid, and it appears like your baby has a heart defect called endocardial cushion defect." My head was spinning. No, the room was spinning. Maybe it was both. I could barely contain my composer as I sat there while he explained what it all ment to our baby. I wanted to be brave, so I tried to hold in the tears, but they came. We left the hospital that day with tear streaming out, not sure what to do or where to turn. I just wanted Dr. Fraser to tell me its not as bad as he made it sound, that our baby would survive and everything would be okay.

Everything would not be okay. We continued with the pregnancy, learning more devastating news every time we visited Dr. Fraser. He didn't know what was causing our baby to have multiple problems, but he did know that without fluid our baby would not survive. The lungs cannot develop without fluid, so our baby wasn't expected to live after birth. Dr. Fraser then sent us to another doctor, one who would deliver our little baby. We would continue to see this new doctor until the birth. Dr. Burk was his name. He was very nice and understanding of our situation. He promised to be at the delivery room with us no matter what. That was relieving. Everything was so scary and unknown, it was good to know our doctor would be there, one that knew what to expect.