Bella

So, after Bella went to Heaven and my dreams were once again ripped from me, I closed myself off from everybody. I didn't return any phone calls or emails. I just closed down for a while. I couldn't face it yet. I needed time. I finally emailed everyone to tell them that we found out that we had a little girl and we would pick out a name soon. My sister then reached out to me and sent me a message that I would like to share....

You know how I've always been the 'doubting Thomas' and I'm trying so hard to have faith. It's been like a roller coaster lately for me thinking about what you've been going through. Yesterday I watched this little video in my first life group meeting. It made me think of you and it kind of reminded me of the poem "footsteps". It was a guy walking and talking to the camera about taking a walk one day through the woods on a clear sunny day with his toddler on one of those back carrier things. He was talking about how beautiful it was and then the wind picked up and clouds came rolling in and they were a few miles away from home. It began thundering and lightning and the little boy started whimpering. The dad had a hood on and he thought that the boy had a hood on but he had thrown it off(it's ok not a sad ending) and it started raining. The kind of rain that is really hard and just plasters your hair to your head. By now the little boy is just screaming and crying and the dad is trying to hurry. The dad said that his son only knows how afraid he is of the loud thunder and the cold hard rain, he doesn't realize how his dad would do anything to help him so he's not afraid. The dad finally stops and takes him off his back and holds the boy close to his chest and wraps him in his jacket and whispers in his ear the entire rest of the way..I love you..I've got you..it's ok..we're gonna make it. over and over. The video goes back to the dad walking and following the camera and telling the story and he says "what if some day in the future my son has repressed memories of that day and comes to me and asks 'why did you put me through that pain?' If he asks me this it would kill me because that is one of my best memories that I've ever had between me and my son." So it's like he is representing God and the child is us. We may go through really really hard times and wonder why God allowed it but all along he was there holding us in his arms and whispering in our ear..I love you...I've got you..it's ok..we're gonna make it..I love you..it's ok..over and over. So he's got you and Carless and Caelyn and this new little girl in his arms and he's whispering in your ears over and over. I don't know what you think about this but it sort of helped me to understand a little better, it's just all been confusing for me. I love you.