HOPE

I still remember the nurses words to me as she wheeled me out of the hospital into the dark of the night to embark on my new journey of healing, of starting over. It was September 23, 2008. I had just miscarried my Bella, I was 12 weeks pregnant. Carless and I had decided to try again one year after we lost Caelyn to SLOS/Stillbirth June 27, 2007. We were happy to find out we were expecting in July of 2008. There is always the possibility that we would have another baby with SLOS, but the odds were with us, our hopes were high and we had great Faith in God that this was the road we were supposed to take. It was a hard road, but it was our road, our journey through life... our journey to happiness.
We decided to do the CVS at 11 wks along to test for SLOS. It is an invasive procedure, one that I don't ever want to do again. A sample of my placenta was taken to test for SLOS along with various other abnormalities. There is a slightly higher % of miscarry than that of an amniocentesis. I lay on the examining table watching the ultrasound of my baby, praying for her the entire time. I believe she is beautiful and healthy, but I am scared for her. I ask the doctor to measure her Nuchal Fold. If the skin on the back of her neck is too thick, it could indicate heart problems. He did not do the test, giving some reason about the CVS giving us a more accurate account of our baby's condition. I was not convinced. I saw her neck and thought it was "thick", although I am a lay person and did not know what to look for...so I brushed it off as paranoia.
The procedure took forever, it was uncomfortable, scary and they took more placenta than I had expected. Now it was a waiting game. The following Monday is a day I will never forget, but a day I never want to remember. It was one of the hardest moments of my life. I felt like we had a "plan A" and there wasn't a "plan B"...all of our eggs were in this basket, so to speak. I was laying in bed on Monday morning when I got the call. It was R, my genetic counselor. Not only has R been a wonderful geneticist, but a loving friend through our ordeal. I remember her words, "It's not good" and at that moment I fell apart, everything just spun out of control and my whole world had fallen apart. I was like egg shell that had been put back together slowing and carefully, only to be shattered all over again...healing wounds now torn open. How could I survive this again, how could I go on?

My mom and Carless both rushed to be with me. My doctor made room in her busy schedule to see us in the afternoon to discuss our "options". None of the options are good. I didn't want to have anything to do with the "options". Option #1. Continue on with the pregnancy like with did with Caelyn, only to have another still born and bury another baby. Option #2. End the pregnancy. Both options suck! We didn't have to make any decisions. Our Heavenly Father knew what we needed, our precious Bella's heart had stopped beating somewhere between Sept 17 and the 22, after the CVS. Her condition was just too complicated, her little heart couldn't handle to stress involved in the CVS procedure. I often wonder if we had not gone through the procedure would she have made it full term like Caelyn? We may never know, but I do know that God knew and he never turned his back on us...he was carrying us the entire time.

The following morning, September 23, 2008, we arrived at the hospital to prepare for the delivery of our second baby girl. I basically went into labor and had Bella around 6 or 7pm that Tuesday evening. It was terrible and something I hope to never experience again, but I know it is a possibility every time we conceive.

As the nurse wheeled me down the hall, I felt an overwhelming sadness and emptiness come over me. She said, "You will be back"...those 4 little words gave me the courage, confidence and hope to continue. I am so glad I did.

One Year!

WOW! It's hard for me to believe my baby is already a one year old!

I have been so blessed to have such a beautiful, sweet, fun-loving, little angel. She is my life, my joy, the reason I breathe! The past year has been crazy. Struggling with acid reflux, sleepless nights, teething, refusing to eat food, only wanting to nurse (all night long), not napping long enough or often enough! Sometimes I feel like a failure. I am so happy Carlee is at the stage in life she is, looking back to her first few months, I wouldn't ever go back...unless I knew of some magical way to help her with the reflux without medicene. She is still on Prevacid, has been since she was 6 wks old. I've tried to wean her, with no luck. It scares me to think of the possible side effects of the medicene, but don't really know what my other options are.

Carlee scoots all around on her little tushy, wearing out all of her clothes. She is still peeing and pooing on the potty frequently. She understand so many things said and will respond, it is truely amazing how smart she is! Saying Mama and Dada, tries to say many other words and sounds. Jibber jabbers all the time.

Baby girl you are AWESOME! I love you with everything I am!

June 27, 2010

Caelyn Nicolette Osbourn

Sweet baby

Heaven has been your home now for three years. I wonder what it is like to be where you are.

Oh, give thanks to the Lord,

for he is good; his love and his

kindness go on forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34

We spent the day mostly at home. Visited Caelyn's grave and put rose petals down, Carless read a Bible verse out of Isaiah and honored Caelyn's life here on earth with and her eternal life in Heaven. I know she is better off. She is surrounded by many loved ones who have joined her and who were waiting on her in Heaven. That brings me great joy and comfort. Her Great Aunt Marty just joined her in Heaven...I couldn't think of a more deserving, devoted Christian...Marty, we know you made it to Heaven and you are holding and loving Caelyn and Bella in your arms. What a wonderful sight that must be!
We love you sweet baby Caelyn.

Oh, when a mother meets on high

The Babe she lost in infancy,

Hath she not then for pains and fears,

The day of woe, the watchful night,

For all her sorrow, all her tears,

An overpayment of delight?

-Robert Southey

Three years ago a baby was born. She was and is so special to us. Caelyn Nicolette will forever be loved. We will meet again baby girl and it will be an awesome reunion!

8 Months old!!!

Carlee pee pee's on the potty!

We got her a potty chair on the 3rd and she pees in it all the time!!

My beauty!

She is a silly one:)

8 Months old, I love her so!

Carlee is so smart! She played patty-cake for the first time on her 8 mo birthday, May 2nd. First birthday party for Anya her good friend who turned one was May 1st.
Weighs 20-8. Carlee's 1st Baseball game in AR with the Sprinkles. Started giving high fives to mommy and daddy on the 21st. Rolled over for the first time ont he 24th. Got Carlee a pool, she loves it! Had a very bad virus the last week in May, it lasted 2 weeks. Mommy and daddy also caught it. Very rough that virus, sorry baby girl. Had a temp for three days, runny nose, cough, congestion, couldn't sleep, diarrhea, lost about 1/2 a pound. Took to the ER on the 29th fearing an infection of some sort...still the virus. Missed Memorial Day family reunion at Wood Pecker's...:( Hopefully next year.

April 7 months old

April started out with a visit from Aunt Candy, Aunt Joyce, Jaden, Jenna, and Drew. We met at the Landing and enjoyed a nice lunch.

Carlee wearing the pj's her mama wore when she was a babe!

Carlee loves Grammy!

Carlee having fun with Opa and Oma!

Happy Easter!
We celebrated Easter in AR with Shelby and Carless's family.

Carlee has been constipated, only has one bowl movement a week. This is a common side effect of her prevacid. Giving her Miralax and prune juice, hope it works!!

Sittin' Pretty at 6 Months!

Mommy's new hair cut!

Well, it has been a long while since I have posted. My goal is to post once a month at least, but that is a long shot for sure. So, this will be short and sweet. I post really for myself, most everbody keeps up with us on facebook, email or phone....so this is really for me! I would like to someday print out this blog for Carlee to keep.
Carlee sittin' in Grandpa's rocking chair! Such a sweetie!!!

Still waving "hi" and "bye", started making a cute little face with her nose crinkled and lips sticking out, with squinty eyes...will try to get a pick. Began saying "dada" and "mama" this month. Enjoys me reading to her. Played peek-a-boo on the 22 of March. Weighed 19lb 3oz and 27 3/4 inches long at doctor visit.


Getting ready for a bite. She is not much of an eater, but she sure does look like she is enjoying it!!

Sitting alone at 6 months! You go girl. Love you baby girl!!