Our Journey Through Life

HOPE

2010-11-15T08:39:00.000-08:00

I still remember the nurses words to me as she wheeled me out of the hospital into the dark of the night to embark on my new journey of healing, of starting over. It was September 23, 2008. I had just miscarried my Bella, I was 12 weeks pregnant. Carless and I had decided to try again one year after we lost Caelyn to SLOS/Stillbirth June 27, 2007. We were happy to find out we were expecting in July of 2008. There is always the possibility that we would have another baby with SLOS, but the odds were with us, our hopes were high and we had great Faith in God that this was the road we were supposed to take. It was a hard road, but it was our road, our journey through life... our journey to happiness.
We decided to do the CVS at 11 wks along to test for SLOS. It is an invasive procedure, one that I don't ever want to do again. A sample of my placenta was taken to test for SLOS along with various other abnormalities. There is a slightly higher % of miscarry than that of an amniocentesis. I lay on the examining table watching the ultrasound of my baby, praying for her the entire time. I believe she is beautiful and healthy, but I am scared for her. I ask the doctor to measure her Nuchal Fold. If the skin on the back of her neck is too thick, it could indicate heart problems. He did not do the test, giving some reason about the CVS giving us a more accurate account of our baby's condition. I was not convinced. I saw her neck and thought it was "thick", although I am a lay person and did not know what to look for...so I brushed it off as paranoia.
The procedure took forever, it was uncomfortable, scary and they took more placenta than I had expected. Now it was a waiting game. The following Monday is a day I will never forget, but a day I never want to remember. It was one of the hardest moments of my life. I felt like we had a "plan A" and there wasn't a "plan B"...all of our eggs were in this basket, so to speak. I was laying in bed on Monday morning when I got the call. It was R, my genetic counselor. Not only has R been a wonderful geneticist, but a loving friend through our ordeal. I remember her words, "It's not good" and at that moment I fell apart, everything just spun out of control and my whole world had fallen apart. I was like egg shell that had been put back together slowing and carefully, only to be shattered all over again...healing wounds now torn open. How could I survive this again, how could I go on?

My mom and Carless both rushed to be with me. My doctor made room in her busy schedule to see us in the afternoon to discuss our "options". None of the options are good. I didn't want to have anything to do with the "options". Option #1. Continue on with the pregnancy like with did with Caelyn, only to have another still born and bury another baby. Option #2. End the pregnancy. Both options suck! We didn't have to make any decisions. Our Heavenly Father knew what we needed, our precious Bella's heart had stopped beating somewhere between Sept 17 and the 22, after the CVS. Her condition was just too complicated, her little heart couldn't handle to stress involved in the CVS procedure. I often wonder if we had not gone through the procedure would she have made it full term like Caelyn? We may never know, but I do know that God knew and he never turned his back on us...he was carrying us the entire time.

The following morning, September 23, 2008, we arrived at the hospital to prepare for the delivery of our second baby girl. I basically went into labor and had Bella around 6 or 7pm that Tuesday evening. It was terrible and something I hope to never experience again, but I know it is a possibility every time we conceive.

As the nurse wheeled me down the hall, I felt an overwhelming sadness and emptiness come over me. She said, "You will be back"...those 4 little words gave me the courage, confidence and hope to continue. I am so glad I did.

One Year!

2010-09-14T10:02:00.001-07:00

WOW! It's hard for me to believe my baby is already a one year old!

I have been so blessed to have such a beautiful, sweet, fun-loving, little angel. She is my life, my joy, the reason I breathe! The past year has been crazy. Struggling with acid reflux, sleepless nights, teething, refusing to eat food, only wanting to nurse (all night long), not napping long enough or often enough! Sometimes I feel like a failure. I am so happy Carlee is at the stage in life she is, looking back to her first few months, I wouldn't ever go back...unless I knew of some magical way to help her with the reflux without medicene. She is still on Prevacid, has been since she was 6 wks old. I've tried to wean her, with no luck. It scares me to think of the possible side effects of the medicene, but don't really know what my other options are.

Carlee scoots all around on her little tushy, wearing out all of her clothes. She is still peeing and pooing on the potty frequently. She understand so many things said and will respond, it is truely amazing how smart she is! Saying Mama and Dada, tries to say many other words and sounds. Jibber jabbers all the time.

Baby girl you are AWESOME! I love you with everything I am!

June 27, 2010

2010-06-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

Caelyn Nicolette Osbourn

Sweet baby

Heaven has been your home now for three years. I wonder what it is like to be where you are.

Oh, give thanks to the Lord,

for he is good; his love and his

kindness go on forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34

We spent the day mostly at home. Visited Caelyn's grave and put rose petals down, Carless read a Bible verse out of Isaiah and honored Caelyn's life here on earth with and her eternal life in Heaven. I know she is better off. She is surrounded by many loved ones who have joined her and who were waiting on her in Heaven. That brings me great joy and comfort. Her Great Aunt Marty just joined her in Heaven...I couldn't think of a more deserving, devoted Christian...Marty, we know you made it to Heaven and you are holding and loving Caelyn and Bella in your arms. What a wonderful sight that must be!
We love you sweet baby Caelyn.

2010-06-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

Oh, when a mother meets on high

The Babe she lost in infancy,

Hath she not then for pains and fears,

The day of woe, the watchful night,

For all her sorrow, all her tears,

An overpayment of delight?

-Robert Southey

Three years ago a baby was born. She was and is so special to us. Caelyn Nicolette will forever be loved. We will meet again baby girl and it will be an awesome reunion!

8 Months old!!!

2010-06-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

Carlee pee pee's on the potty!

We got her a potty chair on the 3rd and she pees in it all the time!!

My beauty!

She is a silly one:)

8 Months old, I love her so!

Carlee is so smart! She played patty-cake for the first time on her 8 mo birthday, May 2nd. First birthday party for Anya her good friend who turned one was May 1st.
Weighs 20-8. Carlee's 1st Baseball game in AR with the Sprinkles. Started giving high fives to mommy and daddy on the 21st. Rolled over for the first time ont he 24th. Got Carlee a pool, she loves it! Had a very bad virus the last week in May, it lasted 2 weeks. Mommy and daddy also caught it. Very rough that virus, sorry baby girl. Had a temp for three days, runny nose, cough, congestion, couldn't sleep, diarrhea, lost about 1/2 a pound. Took to the ER on the 29th fearing an infection of some sort...still the virus. Missed Memorial Day family reunion at Wood Pecker's...:( Hopefully next year.

April 7 months old

2010-06-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

April started out with a visit from Aunt Candy, Aunt Joyce, Jaden, Jenna, and Drew. We met at the Landing and enjoyed a nice lunch.

Carlee wearing the pj's her mama wore when she was a babe!

Carlee loves Grammy!

Carlee having fun with Opa and Oma!

Happy Easter!
We celebrated Easter in AR with Shelby and Carless's family.

Carlee has been constipated, only has one bowl movement a week. This is a common side effect of her prevacid. Giving her Miralax and prune juice, hope it works!!

Sittin' Pretty at 6 Months!

2010-03-09T13:29:00.000-08:00

Mommy's new hair cut!

Well, it has been a long while since I have posted. My goal is to post once a month at least, but that is a long shot for sure. So, this will be short and sweet. I post really for myself, most everbody keeps up with us on facebook, email or phone....so this is really for me! I would like to someday print out this blog for Carlee to keep.
Carlee sittin' in Grandpa's rocking chair! Such a sweetie!!!

Still waving "hi" and "bye", started making a cute little face with her nose crinkled and lips sticking out, with squinty eyes...will try to get a pick. Began saying "dada" and "mama" this month. Enjoys me reading to her. Played peek-a-boo on the 22 of March. Weighed 19lb 3oz and 27 3/4 inches long at doctor visit.

Getting ready for a bite. She is not much of an eater, but she sure does look like she is enjoying it!!

Sitting alone at 6 months! You go girl. Love you baby girl!!

Milestones and Birthdays

2010-02-09T09:55:00.000-08:00

Carlee rolled from back to belly with a little help from mommy!!

We are so in Love with our baby girl!

Carlee and Grammy,
Don't they look alike!

Aunt Lish and Carlee

The birthday girls!

Thirty years ago on February 3, 1980 a baby was born who would grow up with the most wonderful family and friends. She was blessed with a wonderful and adoring husband and then have three beautiful little girls. Two who are now in Heaven and one living her life with her mama and daddy. What a blessing to have her in our daily lives! This has been the most wonderful birthday ever and did I mention, I'm 30 years old. I feel it too! The wrinkles, the gray hair, the aching back! I'm not complaining, but I sure do feel thirty. What a strange age, it really does go by so fast. Carlee is 5 months old and doing so many new and exciting things!

Carlee 5 months old!

Carlee is growing so fast. She has been sitting in her jumperoo for about a month now, but just began really jumping and enjoying it. It is the cutest thing. She also rolled over the other day. Laughing and smiling are among her favorite things. She is mouthing everything! She enjoys books and cuddling with mommy and daddy. She sings to me and talks to us constantly telling stories. She likes to put whatever to her mouth and move it back and forth while making sound (we've done this with her, so she decided to do it herself, so cute). I love her little voice and how she wrinkles her eyebrows when telling a story, just like daddy...so serious.

Carlee is 4 Months Old!

2010-01-22T07:26:00.001-08:00

My little baby bunny :)

Ms Carlee was 17lb 26in at her 4mo doctor apt. Yes, she is above the 100%, but nicely proportioned. So, looks like she is going to be taller than her mommy.

Carlee is sitting up with help, reaching and grabing, talking back and forth, and so much more. She hasn't rolled over yet, but it will soon come. She is teething also. Doctor says she can see the teeth, but it will be another couple weeks before they errupt. Well, it has been three wks now and they still haven't errupted. She is getting more and more irritable though.

Tummy Time

Ms Carlee is still on Prevacid 2 times a day, however the reflux itself hasn't improved. It is still a constant struggle for her. Sleeping is an issue, she is still very fussy and has episodes quite often that cause her to cry inconsolably. The reflux makes her cough a lot and she becomes congested at night especially. So, I decided to take her to a chiropractor. She had her first two adjustments this week. We haven't noticed any improvement in her mood or the amount of reflux, but I am optimistic that this will help her and look forward to the day we get to take her off her meds!

Carlee's first bite of cereal, she's not impressed.

Carlee taking a bath as a 4 mo old!

Carlee and Mommy going outside to "play" in the snow.

2009-12-31T14:15:00.000-08:00

A DIFFERNT CHILD
A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and you
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is the life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel,
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again".

Carlee's First Christmas!

2009-12-31T08:02:00.001-08:00

Carlee's First Christmas!
What a special time for us.
Carlee had so many people to go see this Christmas. So many people who love her. We are so thankfull!

Good Bye 2009

2009-12-31T07:36:00.000-08:00

What a wonderful year it has been.

A year ago today I took a pregnancy test, it was negative...or at least thats what it looked like at first. I tossed it into the trash, knowing it was really too early to take anyway. Hours later I peeped into the trash at the negative stick and to my surprise I saw the slightest hint of a positive sign! I couldn't believe my eyes. Could I really be pregnant? Was 2009 going to be our year? It felt right, I had butterflies. The excitement was hard to contain and so were the fears.

We kept the news to ourselves and celebrated the New Year by going to First Night, a night full of events and fun in downtown Springfield. I remember it was a freezing cold night. I couldn't wait to get back home to get to bed and wake up to take another test. Sure enough, on New Years Day we had another positive pregnancy test. This time, it was clear...I was pregnant!!!!!!!

2009 was our year, finally we had good news! We were expecting a healthy little girl in September. I thought at any moment the rug would be pulled out from under me and the docters would have the "bad news" waiting. I was wrong, she came September 2...healthy and strong. She is my girl, my treasure. I am so proud of her. So, to me she is a year old today. Amazing, isn't it? Happy Birthday baby girl, we love you so much!

Carlee is 3 Months Old!

2009-12-01T17:12:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't believe it, Carlee is 3 months old today.

I am simply in love with my little angel. She is my world!

Carlee has grown so much and is doing so many things. She has always tried to sit up, making this cute little face when she is doing it. Now she will hold my fingers and pull herself up and sit with a little help. She smiles and coos, silently laughs and the other night she chuckled! She will reach out to touch things purposefully, like her bumper or the couch. I am so proud of her and everything she is.

Happy 3 month Birthday baby girl!

Just For Fun

2009-11-13T11:17:00.000-08:00

Carlee Nicole

10 weeks old
Just the two of us!

She was very sleepy, poor thing has such a hard time staying asleep.

In Memory of Caelyn and Bella & in Honor of Madelyn

2009-11-13T10:20:00.000-08:00

June 27, 2007

Caelyn's 2nd Birthday

We Miss you baby girl.

When Carlee was about one month old we took her to visit Caelyn's grave. Two years ago I couldn't imagine life could be good again. As I look at my sweet Carlee Iam amazed by her, can't believe she is here and well. She is my special girl, my joy, my life. In no way does she replace our Caelyn and Bella, they will always hold a special place in our hearts. We will never take her for granted and will always thank God for her. I feel like the most blessed person in the world. The last few years of our lives have been so hard and so trying, but God has brought good to our trials.

He has brought wonderful friends into our lives who have been through similar situations. He has shown us true love through our babies. He has shown us how precious life is and how quickly life can be taken away and to live every day to the fullest, enjoy every moment.

I have recently learned of another slosangel, Caelyn and Bella's newest playmate in Heaven. Madelyn was born August 29 of this year. She lived only a few hours. To learn more about this sweet little girl visit http://heathermohr.wordpress.com/ .

Carlee is now asleep in my arms while I type wth one hand. She is my sweetheart.

Two Months Old

2009-11-03T04:37:00.000-08:00

November? Could it really be November? Yes, it really truly is. Wow, my baby girl is two months old! She is growing so big. 13 pounds already! She is smiling and cooing. Her best times are in the morning after a good long sleep. She is sleeping much better at night.

Carlee with Mommy

Carlee with Daddy

We took her to see a GI specialist yesterday for her reflux. He basically said to keep doing what we were doing and if she doesn't get better in a month to call him. The next step would be surgery and if she can out grow it we do NOT want surgery! She is on the strongest medicine, Prevacid two times a day and it seems to be helping, although she still cries the majority of the day and is having "episodes" of screaming at least once a day. Those "episodes" have decreased in length and frequency, which is why I believe the prevacid might be working. I guess it is even hard for a practiced doctor to determine what is wrong with her. He said it could also be colic on top of the AR causing her to cry. He explained to us that colic does not always mean just 3 hours a day, it could mean all day.

Here are some cute pictures of Miss Carlee...

Cutie Pie

Honey Bunny

Cherish Every Moment

Because it goes by so fast!

Acid Reflux

2009-10-08T07:51:00.001-07:00

Carlee One Month Old!

Well it has been five weeks and I think we have finally gotten Carlee diagnosed correctly. She has acid reflux. It is so clear to me now, why didn't I see it before? I feel horrible that for five weeks she has been in pain, crying constantly, trying to tell us something was wrong. I knew something wasn't right the first night in the hospital when she cried all night long. I remember hearing her spit up in her mouth and swallow it (silent reflux)...that was the beginning of it all. I know babies cry, but she was crying excessively and unconrolably with big tears, her voice became hoarse, she coughed often, and had hiccups 3-4 times a day. She has almost all of the symptoms except weight loss and an adversion to eating. Infact she wants to eat more when she is in pain and then it makes her worse, she is also in the 90th % for her weight. So hopefully the medicene we started her on will start to work, although I worry she isn't keeping enough down...she keeps spitting up when I give it to her. This morning though has already been different. She actually laid in my lap for a while looking around without crying!!!!!! Then she ate and fell asleep without crying for 2 hours afterward wanting more to eat. I hope this is the beginning of the healing process. Thanks again April for your advice, we love you!

Welcome to Mommyhood

2009-09-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

One Month Old Today!

My has the time flown. I really can't believe she is a month old, pretty soon I will be saying I can't believe she is a year and then I will blink and she will be in kindergarten. It has been a whirlwind, this past month. Mommyhood isn't always easy, infact it is very trying at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Carlee is my world and I am so proud to be her mommy. We've struggled with lots of crying due to belly aches, gas, overeating, acid reflux, colic...I'm not really sure. Whatever it is I hope it goes away soon, it's so hard to have your baby cry (scream) for 2-4 hours at a time, not being able to console her. I've cute dairy out of my diet, tried mylicon drops and now we are on gripe water. She seems to like taking it, but I haven't noticed a drastic difference...maybe the crying is a little better. I know infants cry, but a mom is supposed to be able to console her baby and when that isn't achieved then it can be very upsetting for both of us. My doctor told me to make her wait at least 2 hrs between feedings. She is gaining weight like crazy and we think she interprets any belly discomfort into hunger...so I was feeding her and making the belly aches worse. This strategy is working some, but when she is screaming and nursing is the ONLY thing that will console her...I sometimes give in (esp at 2am). She is definately thriving! Last monday when I took her to the doctor she weighed 10lb 2oz already!

Carlee's first time to visit Grandma Connie's

Pretty in Pink

2 weeks old

Carlee and Daddy

Here are some of the things Carlee is doing...

She's holding her head steady when held at our shoulder, gazing into our eyes, looking around the room and at contrasting colors, tracking some slow moving objects, and many many more things. Best of all she smiled purposefully a few times for Daddy! Not for me though, only for her Daddy. I got to see one of them though and it was real and purposefull. How exciting. Pretty soon she will be flashing them all the time, giggling and cooing.

Daddy is wrapped around her finger!

Isn't She Lovely

2009-09-14T07:43:00.001-07:00

Isn't She Lovely

Isn't She Wonderful

Isn't She Lovely

Made From Love

Carlee's first photoshoot

By Summar Reed

September 13, 2009

11 Days old

Carlee Nicole Has Arrived!

2009-09-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

September 2, 2009

Weighing 7lb 11oz and 20 inches long, Carlee Nicole Osbourn entered this world at 10:20pm on Wednesday September the 2nd. I thought this day would never arrive and then all of the sudden I found myself pushing! I was induced around 9 that morning, my water broke at about 6:30pm and then started pushing at 10:00pm. I wondered if she might wait until the 3rd, then all of the sudden she was here! We are so excited. So many people came to the hospital for her delivery and waited all day to see her for just a minute or two. Her cousin Severen was so excited to see her, I've never heard him giggle so much! He cried and cried when they had to leave. Carlee had many visitors the next two days, so many people came to see her. She is so loved and so lucky. We are so blessed to have her. She is the prettiest thing we have ever seen! Thank you Lord for our precious gift!

Daddy & Carlee

It's the final countdown!

2009-08-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

Induction Time

September 2, 2009 looks like the big day! My doctor is having me come in for an inducement Wednesday, the 2nd. It may take all day, you just never know. Her birthday may actually be the 3rd. The reason for the inducement is mainly due to the diabetes and the fact that she is getting big. According to Dr. Allison's measurements, she weighed 7lb 9oz (+ or -1lb) last Tuesday. So, it is possible that if I went on and delivered on my due date she could weight 9.5lb. It is much safer to induce and get her out at a smaller weight, than to risk her being too big and getting stuck in the canal or something worse.

We spent our last Saturday as a couple without a baby to look after by doing pretty much the normal. I worked a few hours this morning answering the phone (which I do a few hours a week for a little $) and Carless went to town did some errands. After Carless got back home he mowed the lawn, I must say it looks pretty good, while I cleaned the white fence that lines our deck. It has been years since we cleaned it, I am ashamed to say. So, it took a lot of work. Carless finished that lawn and got out the power sprayer to help me out. It looks so much better! I'm tired, but glad we got that done before are hands are too full to do much ;).

So, the countdown is 4 more days till we go to the hospital! I can't believe it is finally here! It is somewhat surreal. I have been waiting for this day, it seems like forever. Now it is almost here. My next blog will be about the big day, can't wait to show her off.

The Plan For Now!

2009-08-20T04:33:00.000-07:00

One of Our Baby Showers

36 Weeks along!

The plan for now is to induce a little early if I don't go into spontaneous labor on my own. Dr. Allison will measure Carlee next week to see how big she is getting. If she isn't too big, the induction date will most likely be on September 3rd or 4th. If she gets near 10lb, we will have to do a c-section. Hopefully she is not too big and the induction goes well or I go into labor on my own. I thought this day would never get here and now we are so close! I can't believe that most likely we will have our "little one" in our arms in about two weeks. I've got her bag packed and ready to go, although I have had it ready for a while, but keep changing out outfits.

The baby shower was so nice, thank you all for making it so special for us. One thing is for sure, Carlee will not need anymore clothes until the cold season comes :). She is one lucky girl to have so many people who love and care for her. We are so blessed to have her and all of our loved ones who have prayed and supported us through this pregnancy. Thank you so much.

2009-08-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Update on the Adoption & Foster Care Process

I just wanted to write a quick blog about the adoption and foster care process Carless and I were going through. As some of you may remember Carless and I went through foster care classes through MBCH and finished some time in the Spring. We began the process in hopes to adopt a certain girl who we knew was already in foster care and at the time there was a good chance she would be adopted out. Well, the main goal for fostering is to reunite with the bioparents. It looks like that will be the case with this little girl we were hoping to get. It is all in God's hands. I still don't know the outcome. We were asked at one point to become the foster parents of this little girl, regardless of whether we would end up adopting her or just fostering her. It was something we struggled with. When we started this process, #1 we were not expecting another baby and #2 it looked like she would be adopted out. Now the tables have turned and I again learned we are not the ones in control, that there is a better plan out there for all of us. Her bio-parents have been doing what they need to get her back and we have a healthy little girl of our own on the way. I was thankful that we didn't have to make the decision to foster her or not. I felt like getting her around the same time as Carlee's due date would be too much on me and not fair to either one of them.
As far as the foster care license goes, Carless and I have put that on hold. If we were certified we would be getting calls and have to turn the down. Right now we are trying to focus on Carlee, getting ready for her arrival. After she comes and we decide it is the right thing to do, then we might go ahead and finish our certification so that we can do respite care. Respite care is basically baby sitting for foster parents. That may be something we can handle along with an infant. We will still need to pray about that. The little girl we wanted to adopt, whom I referred to as "A" is doing good with her current foster family and is spending lots of time and bonding with her bio-mom.

September, here we come

2009-08-07T06:46:00.000-07:00

One more month to go!

We had a doctor appointment yesterday and had another ultrasound, but the pictures did not turn out sad to say. So, no cute 3-d ultrasound pictures to post. Luckily we will be seeing our Carlee soon and have some wonderful pics from before.

Our visit went good. Carlee is still growing good. My hope was that she was under 6lb and she was! They estimated her weight at 5lb 15oz. We had our first fetal monitoring done and she did great, her heart beat stays around 150-160 for the most part, it accelerated some, up to 190's and down to the 120's. My doctor said this is normal and what they were looking for. I will go in for fetal monitoring weekly from here on out. Then if I am still pregnant in about a month, they will do another ultrasound to see how she is doing. I'm assuming to see how big she is then and access whether or not I need to be induced early or have a c-section. Hopefully neither of the two will be necessary. The gestational diabetes is going OK. I am now on insulin as of this week. I don't like giving myself a shot in the belly, but I'm getting used to it.

Carless and I got her crib put together last night.

It took a while and lots of bickering on who was right, but in the end we have a great looking crib for Carlee.

Carless put the dresser together all by himself and I put the changing table and glider together. It was fun getting everything set up. I don't have the room arranged exactly how I like it, but for now this will do.

The next pictures were taken by my cousin Summar. She took several good pictures. I just picked a few to post.

34 weeks

2 more months to go....maybe :)

2009-07-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

Carlee

Today we had a visit with the doctor and got some really nice 3-D pictures of our "Little One" or should I say "Big One"! They estimated her weight at 4lb1oz! If she grows at the normal rate, 1/2lb per week and goes to term she will be at 9lbs. Oh my goodness. I really thought I would have small babies, guess I was way wrong. The good news is that she is healthy and growing, we couldn't be happier. She is already head down and moving around contantly. Mom says she was showing off yesterday at the pool. She was twisting, turning, flipping, and sticking out everywhere. Wish I had a video camera for times like that.

30 weeks gestation

The bad news is that I have been diagnoses with Gestational Diabetes. That is why our beloved Dr. Fraser has come back into our lives. I had a feeling this was coming, since my sugars were high with Caelyn. I wasn't diagnosed GD with her, due to her small frame and no worries of having a big baby. For those of you who are unfamiliar with gestational diabetes, it occurs in about 5% of all pregnancies and is usually caused by the pregnancy hormones. What I learned yesterday in my class was that the hormones attach to the insulin, thus blocking the sugar from getting into the cell. So, I have lots of sugar running through my veins, unable to get into my cells because the hormones want to get in the way. This is also one of the reasons why I am so extremely tired! The others are my anemis and just being pregnant. Now I don't feel so bad for being tired (or lazy like I thought I was). This usually occurs in the last trimester of pregnancy and can cause a rather large baby if not controlled. Also it is something that I couldn't control, says my doctor. It is just the way my body responds to being pregnant. So, for like the last month Carlee has been getting an abundance of sugar making her a bit bigger. Let's hope she stays under 9lb please, I don't want a c-section and I want her to be heatlhy!

What does gestational diabetes mean for me? Well, basically I just have to eat a well balanced diet, 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Well balanced meaning with fat, protien, and carbohydrates in each meal or snack. Then I have to check my sugars 4 times a day. The poking of my finger isn't fun, but the finding out what my sugar level is, is quite fun. I want to check everyones to see what level they are at. If my sugars don't go too high, then I will not have to go on insulin. So, lets hope not. Then I go back to see Dr. Fraser again for another ultrasound in about a month, so he can see how we are doing. In the mean time I will be reporting my sugar levels to his office weekly. I hope I get to share some more pictures of Carlee for you then. Now I will leave you with a cute picture of Carless practicing holding a baby with our cat Skip. (hehe!)

Skip thinks Carless is the best!

Olivia

2009-06-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

Please take the time to visit this website for Olivia, she is need of your prayers...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/oliviafaithtitus

4 months to go

2009-05-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

Yay! I'm finally 6 months along and doing great.

Carless finished painting the room...

We've got our glider and bedding, thank you Betty! Things are finally coming together. I can't wait to get our crib set up and the room ready for Carlee.

Having fun at the Roy Roger's Museum

2009-05-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

My Mom, Grandma, cousin Sherry, sister's Lisha and Lynsey, nephew Severen, and I took a day to enjoy each other, go see the Roy Roger's Museum, eat icecream, and just have fun.

I learned a lot about Roy and his family. It was actually very interesting. Roy Rogers was quit the guy, very humble and a family man. He and his second wife Dale adopted many children and had many loses in their lives. They remained faithful to God and didn't let the heartache stop them from doing good.

Mom and Grandma posing with Dale

Sherry's not scared!

Lisha looking pretty like Dale.

Don't shoot Grams, Roy!

Donald's Welcome Home Party

2009-05-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

Donald is my wonderful brother-in-law, who has been serving his country in Iraq and Kuwait for the past two years. He has been out for about a month, but my sister threw him a welcome home party recently so that his sister could be here for it. He was super surprised! It was great. We are so happy to have him back and safe. We love you Donald!

Playing ball, Donald's favorite!

Donald hitting the ball out of the field!

Anya Rebecca is home

2009-05-28T08:45:00.000-07:00

Anya and mommy got to come home the Saturday before Mother's Day. They are doing well, learning their new lives together. Dienna and Anya received a wonderful welcome home gift. Their garage was turned into a beautiful room for two of the girls and a nursery complete with a crib and rocking chair were waiting for Anya. I had the privilage of visiting with Dienna, Tory and Anya. Anya is so tiny and so beautiful. She is peeing in her diaper, being cathed 3 times a day and moving her legs on her own a little bit. Anya will soon be casted for her club feet. Thanks for all of your prayers and concerns for this little girl and her family. God has truely has his hand in her little life.

Anya Rebecca

2009-05-05T05:53:00.000-07:00

Anya was born May 1st around 9:00pm. She was rushed to the NICU and has already had two surgeries. One on her spine and the other was to put in her shunt, just yesterday. She came out of both surgeries just fine. She has some movement in her legs and has been going pee by herself, which is a huge accomplishment. If all goes well this week, they hope to be home by the end of it. I know this family appreciates your prayers. I can't wait to see what this little girl has in store for them and for us. She has already touched so many people and has been an inspiration to us all. Love you Anya!

Prayer Request

2009-05-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

I just got word that my dear friend Deinna Smith is in labor at 36 weeks gestation. She has been on bed rest and in the hospital in Columbia Missouri since January. They've named their little girl Anya Rebecca. Anya has many challenges as she has already been diagnosis with Spina Bifida and will have surgery soon. Please keep this family in your prayers, this little baby is so special and a gift from God. I will keep posting her progress as I hear more information.

21 weeks and growing

2009-05-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

Well, we are over half way there and so very excited. Carlee is a mover and shaker. She has so many wonderful people praying for her and awaiting her arrival. I can't wait to hold her. Carless has started painting her room and planning what college she will attend. He is so funny, I can't wait to see what a great father he is going to be to her. She is a lucky girl! Here is a pic of me at 20 weeks...

It's a...

2009-04-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

Girl!

Yep, that's what I said. Carless and I are expecting a healthy baby Girl this September. In fact 09-09-09. We are so happy. I have already bought the paint and picked out the bedding for her room. It will not be too girly, but we have decided on a ecru colored quilt with butterflies and flowers stitched on it. We were white knuckled with every hesitation of the doctor, but in the end he said our baby is perfectly healthy...no reason for concern or follow up with him. I now have a normal healthy pregnancy to look forward to. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words.

We plan on naming our little girl Carlee Nicole...after her daddy, Carless and my middle name is Nicole. If you would notice, she has my nose. It is the perfect profile of my nose, I saw it immediately. Too bad, Carless's nose is so perfect and mine looks a little like a beak (in my opinion).

God is Good

2009-03-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm 16 weeks along (about 14 in the picture) and growing! Carless and I just got the best news this week. Our genetecist called to let us know the results of the urinalysis confirm that our little one does not have Smith Lemli Optiz Syndrome! Such a relief. It is a new test, but very accurate. She says as accurate as an amnio and best of all it was totally non-invasive! After our ultrasound at 11 weeks I was pretty confident that the results would be good, but it was nice to hear the confirmation. There is always that little part in your head that says "what if", we've heard bad news so many times...it's sometimes hard to think the good will come. But it has. We even purchased a crib! Now I am waiting to find out if the baby is a boy or girl. We have our ultrasound scheduled for April 20th, so in less than a month we will hopefully know! Almost everyone I know hopes or thinks I'm carrying a boy. I really don't care, I just a healthy baby. However, there have been a few of us and me included who dreamed it's a boy. We will see. I know that everyone says you cannot feel the baby move until 18 weeks, but I swear I feel this little one in there moving around, kicking and poking. It's an awesome feeling, even if it is gas! Haha. Thanks for all of your prayers and support. This journey has definately been hard, but worth it in the end. Now I can sit back and enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.

"Ask and you shall receive"

2009-03-07T10:41:00.000-08:00

Well, we finally finished our adoption classes. We still have a few loose ends to take care of and should be certified as foster parents sometime next month. Now that we are pregnant, I am not planning on fostering. I want to focus on this little one we are expecting in September. However, we still plan to go ahead and pursue the adoption with the little girl, whom I will refer to as "A", if that option come up. Her year is in April and that is when the judge should decide permancy. If it goes how I think the case will go, it looks like the judge will most likely extend the mom's time for reunification. That being said, the case could go any way and could time quite some time. Well, Carless and I have been offered to go ahead and foster "A" once we are certified, due to some family sickness in the current foster families home. I am closer to "A" than anyone else, except for your now foster parents, grandmother, and her mother. The thing we have to consider is the fact that we could have "A" in our home for a good year or so before permancy is decided. Carless worries that I will not be able to handle the loss if it comes down to it, but I just cannot bear to turn her away. I believe we could have an amazing time with her, however long the time is. So, for now I have already purchased her easter dress in hopes to have your by then...if not the dress can be worn at other times. It has been a lot to take in this past week, but I feel comfortable enough to say "yes, we will give her a home". Be carefull what you ask for people, you just may get it, our God is listening and is good.

A New Year

2009-03-07T10:28:00.000-08:00

2009 started with a bang for Carless and I. It was New Years Day when we found out we were expecting our third baby. I am now 13 weeks along and doing great, aside from the "morning sickness" and worries. I am due somewhere around September 9, 2009. We had a very comforting ultrasound in February when I was 11 weeks along. We had our doctor measure the back of the baby's neck, the test is called an NT scan or Nuchal Translucency Scan. It is done around 11-13weeks to screen for Down's Syndrome and in our case SLOS. If the baby has too much fluid built up at the back of the neck, it is an indicator of a possible heart defect. A normal measurement is below 2.5mm. I am proud to say our baby's NT measurement was less than 1.0mm!! As soon as I saw our little one on the screen I knew everything was fine. I had such relief to see little one moving and grooving in my belly. Thinking back to Bella's ultrasound at 11weeks, I remember she didn't move much at all. Her NT measurement was about 4.0mm, very obvious if you know what you are looking for. I'm growing too, unlike my last two pregnancies. My belly has grown to about 32" around already! I am definately into my maternity clothes and loving it. I can't wait to feel this baby move around. I still plan to have a urinalysis done at 14 weeks to prove this little one does not have SLOS. We should get the results at around 16 weeks, or the first of April.

2009-02-16T14:22:00.000-08:00

Shelby Lynn Osbourn

Most of you know Carless has a daughter, her name is Shelby and she will be turning 15 this April! Oh my goodness, 15 years old!! I can't believe it. I remember when I first met her she was just barely 6, so small, so cute with her blonde hair and blue eyes. She now has brown hair (she likes to experiment), still has beautiful blue eyes, still tiny, but much taller (almost as tall as me:). She has grown into a wonderful young lady. She has her permit to drive, so be aware! Just kidding, she's a fine driver. She has a bright future ahead of her, with many ideas. I am so proud to be a part of her life. Love ya Shelby!

Not so good....

2009-01-28T12:19:00.000-08:00

Yeah, not so good at all. The ice is pretty, but not that pretty. I went outside to take pictures of the beauty, when all of the sudden I hear a big crashing sound and notice the tree is about to land on Carless! I yell and he ducks, luckily he is fine...the truck not so much.

As you can see here our good friend and neighbor, Darold came over to help move the tree from the top of our truck. What a nice guy.

Carless and Darold, investigating the damage

Poor truck, it looks so sad. Notice the trees hanging over our house in the background...yicks!

ICE

2009-01-27T13:38:00.001-08:00

Yep, thats what we woke up to this morning. Needless to say, school is cancelled. It really is beautiful though, how perfectly the ice covers everything. Every once in a while you will hear a big cracking sound, another tree breaking apart and falling. Lets just hope the tree hanging over our house stays put! For now, we still have electricity. Thank God. A big spruce broke in half and fell into our back yard, crushing our fence. Carless and I ventured out there to try and save our fence. Carless grabbed his saw and I bundled up and headed for the tree. Piece by piece we cut it up and threw it back over the fence. Our fence on the other hand is officially bent, but we will survive. Really the smell of the spruce was amazing, smelled like Christmas. Don't you just love winter weather.

Adoption

2009-01-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

So, a lot has happened since that day in February 2007. We continued on with the pregnancy. Took many pictures of my growing belly. We finally decided to let Dr. Burk induce me because he said it didn't look like I would go anytime soon and I was officially at 40 weeks. I didn't want to induce, I didn't want to let go. We arrived in the hospital June 26 and I gave birth to Caelyn Nicolette at 8:04 am on June 27th. She was breech, butt first. Her heart stopped beating in the birth canal. We took many pictures of our beautiful baby girl, dressed her, loved her, held her, and eventually let her go. It was a hard day, the days to come were hard too, but we made it through. Carless and I decided to try again, that is when we found ourselves pregnant with our little Bella girl. She was due April 3, 2009. We lost her on September 23, 2007 at 12 weeks.
Shortly after the misscarriage my husband and I decided to look into adoption through the foster care system.
My job allows me to meet many families, one of those families is a foster care family. There is a little girl who is in this home whom I have come to love. She is very special and if she did get adopted out, I wanted to have a chance at it. So, after lots of prayers and research, we are going through the Missouri Baptist Children's Home foster care training as we speak. We actually have one my week left, plus lots of paper work. Now, will we actually get to adopt this little girl? I don't know, but it is worth the risk. She deserves the very best and I hope to give that to her. She is a sweet little girl with big blue eyes, petite little body, brown hair, and light skin. She is only 16 months old and has been in foster care since she was 7 months old. We can't wait to see what God has in store for us.

February 12, 2007

2008-12-07T14:06:00.000-08:00

That is a day I will never forget. It was the day we found out our baby had many medical problems. I was 21 weeks along in the pregnancy and so excited to get our ultrasound. I didn't have any fear, just pure joy. Joy, because that was the day we were going to see our little angel for the second time and hopefully find out if we were expecting a little boy or a little girl. Carless and I had plans to go shopping for our baby's crib, clothes, and anything else that struck our fancy. Just typing the words makes me remember how excited I felt and how happy we were. My doctor sent me to a specialist for a blood disorder I have. I was not the least bit worried about the blood disorder, I just knew Carless didn't have it. I mean really, "What are the odds? Right?". But we went along with doctor's orders and did the whole genetic counseling and let Dr. Fraser look at our baby.

The nurse doing the scan that day was very quiet. It made me so uncomfortable. I remember Caelyn wasn't moving, but her heart was beating. This was my first pregnancy, so I didn't realize how unusual this was. That's why I hadn't been able to feel the much anticipated movement most mom's enjoy. I nervously asked the nurse if it was common for babies to not move, she dryly answered "no". I also remember her muttering something about how small she was. My mom and Carless were both with me in the room and we all came to our baby's defense, "well, we were small babies" and "I've been really sick" and "my dad only weighed like 4lbs at full term". She didn't seem to care, she said those things don't matter and she quickly left the room to get the doctor. My mom encouraged me that everything was going to be alright and nothing was wrong with our baby.

When Dr. Fraser finally came in, the genetic counselor, Robin, followed with a pin and pad of paper in hand. I knew immediately that something was wrong, because Robin had already seen us and we were supposed the be "done" with that part of the visit. Dr. Fraser scanned my belly and said some things to Robin. He asked two things, if I had had a hard pregnancy and if I can remember any liquid discharge. I did have a hard pregnany, but no fluid that I could remember leaking out. Then he said the words I didn't want to believe, but will remember forever, "There are a couple things. Your baby is about 2 weeks too small, you have very low fluid, and it appears like your baby has a heart defect called endocardial cushion defect." My head was spinning. No, the room was spinning. Maybe it was both. I could barely contain my composer as I sat there while he explained what it all ment to our baby. I wanted to be brave, so I tried to hold in the tears, but they came. We left the hospital that day with tear streaming out, not sure what to do or where to turn. I just wanted Dr. Fraser to tell me its not as bad as he made it sound, that our baby would survive and everything would be okay.

Everything would not be okay. We continued with the pregnancy, learning more devastating news every time we visited Dr. Fraser. He didn't know what was causing our baby to have multiple problems, but he did know that without fluid our baby would not survive. The lungs cannot develop without fluid, so our baby wasn't expected to live after birth. Dr. Fraser then sent us to another doctor, one who would deliver our little baby. We would continue to see this new doctor until the birth. Dr. Burk was his name. He was very nice and understanding of our situation. He promised to be at the delivery room with us no matter what. That was relieving. Everything was so scary and unknown, it was good to know our doctor would be there, one that knew what to expect.

Bella

2008-11-29T07:39:00.000-08:00

So, after Bella went to Heaven and my dreams were once again ripped from me, I closed myself off from everybody. I didn't return any phone calls or emails. I just closed down for a while. I couldn't face it yet. I needed time. I finally emailed everyone to tell them that we found out that we had a little girl and we would pick out a name soon. My sister then reached out to me and sent me a message that I would like to share....

You know how I've always been the 'doubting Thomas' and I'm trying so hard to have faith. It's been like a roller coaster lately for me thinking about what you've been going through. Yesterday I watched this little video in my first life group meeting. It made me think of you and it kind of reminded me of the poem "footsteps". It was a guy walking and talking to the camera about taking a walk one day through the woods on a clear sunny day with his toddler on one of those back carrier things. He was talking about how beautiful it was and then the wind picked up and clouds came rolling in and they were a few miles away from home. It began thundering and lightning and the little boy started whimpering. The dad had a hood on and he thought that the boy had a hood on but he had thrown it off(it's ok not a sad ending) and it started raining. The kind of rain that is really hard and just plasters your hair to your head. By now the little boy is just screaming and crying and the dad is trying to hurry. The dad said that his son only knows how afraid he is of the loud thunder and the cold hard rain, he doesn't realize how his dad would do anything to help him so he's not afraid. The dad finally stops and takes him off his back and holds the boy close to his chest and wraps him in his jacket and whispers in his ear the entire rest of the way..I love you..I've got you..it's ok..we're gonna make it. over and over. The video goes back to the dad walking and following the camera and telling the story and he says "what if some day in the future my son has repressed memories of that day and comes to me and asks 'why did you put me through that pain?' If he asks me this it would kill me because that is one of my best memories that I've ever had between me and my son." So it's like he is representing God and the child is us. We may go through really really hard times and wonder why God allowed it but all along he was there holding us in his arms and whispering in our ear..I love you...I've got you..it's ok..we're gonna make it..I love you..it's ok..over and over. So he's got you and Carless and Caelyn and this new little girl in his arms and he's whispering in your ears over and over. I don't know what you think about this but it sort of helped me to understand a little better, it's just all been confusing for me. I love you.

A Pair of Shoes

2008-11-03T10:18:00.000-08:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author, Unknown

"Be Still and Know I am God"

2008-11-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

It took me a while to truly grasp this Bible verse. It is now what I hold onto. I know that I cannot control what happens in life. God is God and I am not. I will be still and trust in him. What a hard lesson that was. The year after we lost Caelyn was a tough one. One of questioning and anger towards God. "Why us Lord?" I often found myself asking. Although, I miss my babies I wouldn't ask for them to give up their perfect life in Heaven to be here with me in pain and suffering. I love them with all of my heart and can't wait for our perfect reunion.

I believe we have a purpose here on earth and I will trust in God to fulfill that purpose. I have so many things to be thankful for; including a loving God, my family, my wonderful friends. Thank you all for your love, support and prayers.

Poem

2008-10-31T14:53:00.000-07:00

"I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new,
I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name,
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I’ll never part.
God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart."

Caelyn & Bella

2008-10-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

Caelyn Nicolette, born still on June 27, 2007. We dedicate this blog to you and your little sister Bella who went to heaven September 23, 2008. We miss you both and love you very much.

Caelyn was born 5lb 9oz and 17.25 inched long. We later found out that she has a genetic syndrome that her daddy and I carry known as SLOS, short for Smith Lemli Opitz Syndrome. My babies were not able to convert 7DHC to cholesterol because they lack the enzyme that is does that job. To learn more about SLOS and how you can help go to www.smithlemiopitz.org. Little Bella Nicolette was only 12 weeks gestation when her heart stopped beating. We were so devasted to hear she also had SLOS, we love her and miss her terribly.